Confessions of a missionary

  I've been thinking. How often is it that you hear a missionary admit that they're scared? I don't think I've ever heard a missionary that is preparing to leave really be open and honest about how difficult it gets. So I'm gonna go for it and let you know that it gets rough. I think it would have really helped me to know that I'm not the only missionary who struggles like this. It would have been nice to find a blog full of confessions. Haha! So here goes. The confessions of a future missionary...
   Satan is going to do anything to get you not to go on your mission. Literally anything. You think you've been tempted before, but I promise you once you make it your goal to go on a mission he cranks it up. It might start to get rough when you turn your papers in, when you get ready to go through the temple, when you get your call, or right before you go in the MTC. I think it's different for every person. For me it didn't start until the week and a half left mark. Then I started to fall apart. Satan. Evil man. He's good at what he does. 
  I'm sure that Satan works on everyone differently. He knows us. We are all different. He knows the things that will crush me, and they might be things that other people could easily handle. He is good. So good. But the Lord is better. Things are going to get ridiculously difficult. Satan is going to play some major mind games with you. There are times when I don't know where half the thoughts inside my head even come from. There are other times when quite honestly I don't even know who I am. I don't know what I stand for or what is even happening really. That might not make a lot of sense, but it happens. My head legit feels like it has been beaten and everything just becomes kind of hazy. There are others times when I just don't feel worthy. Am I sure a mission is even the right thing for me? Or am I just wasting everyone's time and so much money? Then there are days where you just don't feel like leaving everything you know and love behind for eighteen months. Or Satan will use those around you and cause you so much personal emotional pain it is insane. He does all of these things and so much more. Sometimes you're going to be terrified and so afraid that you aren't going to be good at this whole missionary thing.
  When these thoughts and more occur I advise you to remember
You're on the winning side. With the help of the Savior there is nothing you can't get through. It's ok to admit that it's hard, but by no means is it impossible. You can get through it, just know you aren't alone. I also advise that you don't spend a lot of time alone or not doing anything. An active and busy mind will help distract you from the seeds of doubt that Satan plants in your head. I also advise you to constantly think about the reasons you're going on a mission. And to always have a prayer in your heart that the spirit will be with you to keep you strong. If you remember these things it gets easier. 
  If you start to feel these things or feel discouraged don't be embarrassed, don't be ashamed. It's normal. You are about to serve the Lord and spread his gospel of course Satan is going to want you to fail. It isn't supposed to be easy, but I know it will be worth it. 

That time

http://www.missionsite.net/sistercassidydavie/main

Down with Satan!

  Five days! That's all I have left! And let me tell you, Satan is bringing the heat! That is a lot of exclamation marks but it is that serious. Satan. is. a. booger. Some days there is nothing I want more than to beat him with a stick. That's a lie, I want to beat him with a stick everyday!! 
  Satan's job and purpose is to destroy this gospel. That's what he does. He is doing everything to thwart the gospel. Not only is he trying to mess with the whole Church he is going to mess with you. He is going to push you and tempt you. And he isn't going to go away. The stronger you get, the closer to the Savior, the closer to your mission the harder he will push. You can't forget that he knows you. He knows what makes you tick and all the things that will get to you. Just because he knows doesn't mean he gets to win. Fight. Pray. At the time whatever you're going through is going to hurt. It's going to be hard. But you can't ever give up. Don't let the adversary win. We are on the right side, the winning side, we just need to remember to fight. I have honestly never been pushed and tempted so much in my life. There are days where I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Sometimes I don't know who I am. I can't tell which thoughts are mine or which are Satan's. And I know it isn't going to get easier. But I can get stronger. Satan isn't going to give up, but that's ok because neither am I, and neither are you. Satan is going to do all that he can to stop you from sharing the gospel with others. He may help you get injured, he may play crazy mind games, he might even use those around you to get to you, play mind games with you, and make you feel like you aren't good enough. You just need to remember to have faith. Faith that if you do your part and pray for strength it will all work out. It sucks right now, a lot. Right now Satan has won the battle, but I will win the war. He has found another way to get to me, he always will, but in the end I will be the winner. 

Talks

Sometimes while trying to right my farewell talk I find great talks. They don't relate to my topic, but they're just so great I wanted to share it with the world! 
http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2008/10/finding-joy-in-the-journey?lang=eng

Missions...huzzah!

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/765623191/LDS-Church-announces-creation-of-58-new-missions.html?pg=2

Temple, love it

  I have now officially participated or watched all of the ordinances that take place in the temple. So cool! And I can honestly say that they are all fantastic and so powerful. The sealing ordinance is something else. When I was eight I was blessed with the opportunity to be sealed to my family. Sadly, I don't really remember what happened. I mean I was only eight, I do remember making Cade cry though, haha! But this last Friday I was blessed with the wonderful opportunity to see one of my very best friends get sealed in the temple. It truly was so great! Just the feeling of the whole ceremony was fantastic. It was such a strong sweet spirit. And I will never forget hearing the words time and all eternity, not death do we part. The happiness on Nat's face truly was something else. The look on her face as she looked into the mirrors with her husband was so sweet. As I was sitting in the sealing room I pondered things. I pondered the place I'm at in my life. I am no where near getting married! Even if all of Nat's family thought I was already married, it is not something that I am ready for. But that doesn't mean what happened in that room at the top of the Rexburg, Temple didn't apply to me. 
  Marriage may not be something in my near future, but a mission is. I am going to be teaching and inviting people to come unto Christ. My main goal and dream with that is to get the people I teach to a place where they can be sealed in the temple. Imagine living your whole life not knowing what comes next, then one day two crazy kids show up at your door with the Book of Mormon. And if you accept it your whole world will change. I love Natalie. Love her. It was such a great feeling watching her be sealed to the man she loved. I can only imagine the happiness I would feel watching someone new to the gospel making those same covenants. I mean that is what missionary work is all about, isn't it? Helping others come to know our Savior and finding a way back to him? The only way back is through the temple. The covenants that you make in that building is what paves the way. I am so thankful for the path I'm on and grateful for the opportunities awaiting me in the future. 

First World Problems

    First world problems. Yup. I have them. And the only to deal with them is to acknowledge them and yes...blog it out. My current first world problem is that people don't really like me. Yes. This is a current theme through out my life and I have a feeling that it will be something I have to deal with on my mission. But if you really think about it, it is for sure a first world problem. There are so many problems I could be dealing with that are so much worse. I have friends, I'm healthy, I have a loving family, and I'm not hurting for money. As much as at times this problem of mine can really get me down I have come to realize something. People may not like me and at times I may think they dislike me for no reason, but who was the most hated person of all time? Who was hated for absolutely no reason? The Savior. And how great of a man was he? He did nothing with his life but give it to others. He literally gave up his life so that the very people that hated him could have a chance at forgiveness. If he can do all that. If he can live for those who scorned and mocked him and beg for their forgiveness then I can live with whatever problem gets through at me. People may not like me. So what. They may talk about me, but no one is trying to take my life. If the Savior  can do it, I can do it. And I will do it. I will do it for Him so that one day I can live with Him again. 

A Little Child

   Sometimes I have epiphanies. I work with kids that have special needs. It is a hard job, but may also be one of the most rewarding things I have ever done with my life. Sometimes I will tell the little five year old I work with something and never expect him to remember it or even care about it. One day we were driving home and I pointed out the pink clouds from the sunset. I didn't do it for him to really care it was merely something to have him do so he would stop kicking my seat. He looked out the window said it was pretty and then some typical sassy comment and nothing more was said that day. The next day we got in the car and as we were driving he started to frantically look out the window. After a few minutes he looked at me and was so disappointed. Those big blue eyes of his were filling with tears...so weird, so unlike Aiden. When I asked him what was wrong he simply told me the pink clouds were gone and the sky wasn't as pretty. From this I learned something (other than the fact that my child was precious) I need to see like Aiden sees. The smallest simplest things, like the pink clouds, made him so happy. Sometimes they were even enough to change his attitude about a whole day. There are so many things I daily take for granted. So many things that little children remember so easily. 
  Aiden also taught me how to forgive, and I mean really forgive. I have always known that forgiveness and forgiving others is very important. But it wasn't until I started working with Aiden that I really started to understand the whole concept of forgiveness. Sometimes when we would be working together he would do something and I would have to be stern with him. This of course would upset him. We may argue for a little bit and I would make him do something he didn't like. Sometimes he got a little angry. But what really blew me away was what happened after our arguments. He always, everyday, forgave me and got over it. I may have really upset him and he may think I'm a bully for ten minutes. But at the end of every day he still loved me. He would still be excited for our next day together. It would take him a while occasionally and he never forgot what happened he just simply let it go. I need to forgive like that. I often will say I have forgiven someone, but haven't really gotten over what they've done. Aiden would forgive me and go back to how things were and pretend like nothing ever happened. He didn't hold a silent grudge. He got over it and was ready for the next thing. I realize he is only five, but that doesn't mean we can't learn from his example. Forgiveness should be that way. I should get over what has happened and be willing to move past it. Just because hard things happen doesn't mean you have to forget all the good times and rid yourself of the future ones. 
  There are so many things to be learned from little children. They truly have some of the sweetest spirits. From watching and listening to them you really can learn so much. 

Go to the Temple

  Yesterday I had the glorious opportunity to go through the temple with one of my best friends. (no I didn't get married) One of my good friends from high school has made the glorious choice to serve a mission. We're both leaving in March! So exciting. She invited me yesterday to go through her endowment session. It was a great experience. 
  Since going through myself two weeks ago I hadn't yet had the chance to go through a second time. I was super nervous to go through again without an escort. There are lots of things to remember and do and I was quite worried that I would hold things up. I also had no idea how things worked in the Rexburg, Temple. But I couldn't help but be excited! The temple is great and the spirit there is so peaceful.
  In 2008 I was blessed with the opportunity to be a part of the groundbreaking and the open house of the Rexburg Temple yesterday I was able to go inside. It was so great. So beautiful. And so confusing....but still great! Once the temple workers see that you have your big kid recommend they just let you go. After wandering around for a little bit one of the sweet temple ladies recognized a lost soul and helped me get to where I needed to be. I didn't need to be nervous. Everyone in the temple is looking for the same things as I was. The sweet peace and spirit of the temple. Everyone helped me get to where I needed to be and do the things that needed to be done. 
  As I was sitting in the session I was looking at my little pink name card. When you go through an endowment session for the dead they let you hold the card. I like it that way. My lady was Edith born in 1875 in Massachusetts. She was baptized and confirmed in 2009 and had her initories done in 2011. That blew me away. It took 4 years from when she was baptized to have her endowments done. Isn't that crazy? She has been on the other side of the veil patiently waiting for her life saving ordinances to be completed. And is still waiting for someone to take the time to do her sealing. 
  Looking at those numbers I realized I need to make more time for the temple. There are thousands of people on the other side of the veil waiting for that next step to be done for them. And there is nothing they can do but wait. When I was younger I only saw to baptisms and confirmations for the dead I'd completely forgotten that the wait for those people wasn't over. There is so much that needs to be done. And all it takes is a little time out of our daily lives. Just a couple hours to the temple to save the life eternally of another. Sounds worth it to me. 

I love my Elders

 
   Random title and it actually has nothing to do with this post, but I could think of nothing. Anyway I got a letter from my good from Elder Clark today. Proud of that kid. He is having a great time out there on his mission and doing some great things. Oddly enough he is actually in Georgia right now! Getting his last letter and see his return address was kind of weird, but awesome. Even though he isn't serving in the same area of Georgia as I am it's cool to hear him talk about it. He has some pretty great things to say about it. According to Elder Clark the people of Georgia are supposed to be fantastic and it really is the world of football. YAY FOOTBALL! They might not even go out Sunday of the Super bowl because it's supposed to be crazy. That makes me love Georgia so much more! Clark also said that his mission covers the whole coast of Georgia and part of South Carolina. It's kind of crazy to me how big his mission is. 
  One thing I think fits this post at least title wise is that I do indeed enjoy my Elders. They really are quite legit. They have made the choice to give up two years of their lives to serve the Lord and share this gospel all over the world. I am so proud of them for that. They are some pretty great examples. Letters from them are always great and help to make my day. There really isn't anything like reading their letters and watching as the spirit starts to completely work through them. They change so much and you can see it through the things they say. All of them have become so much greater than they were even before they left. I'm so thankful to have friends like them and so excited to follow their example. 

Letter.

   Oh Heavenly Father you know me too well!!! You know exactly what things would be the hardest trials for me. Ah. But as unfortunate as it may be and as much as right now I hate them I know that it is for the best. I know I know it is ah gotta breathe. This whole missionary age thing is still killing me! It shouldn't! It's great it's fantastic the Church is growing so much! Yet there are times when I don't feel that way. Ha. I mean AHH!!! I'm trying oh I promise I'm trying. Really my whole issue with this comes down to selfishness. This isn't about me. My whole life, all life is about you and my Savior. I just really need to remember that and not just say it, but come to believe it. This isn't about me. It's not not even a little bit. It's great that some many people want to serve and share this gospel with the world it really is. And I'm so thankful and blessed just to be apart of it. So I will gladly take these trials and I will do my best. You know Heavenly Father. You know the plan more than I can ever begin to understand and it is up to me to just have faith and let things work out. I will try my hardest to be the person you want me to be. 

The Gospel is...

   Have you ever had someone ask you to say what you think the gospel is in one word? No? Well I'm asking you right now. Think about it. Ponder your answer. Sing about it to someone. Kidding. But it would be pretty great if you did. This is kind of a tough question. There are just so many answers that work and would be great. It really is quite tricky. But to me (my answer will probably be different than yours) the gospel is happy.

   Think about. Honestly what about this gospel isn't something that brings joy. One key to this Church is the idea of service. It can be hard to get into and sometimes we just don't want to do it. But what happens when we do? Not only are we bringing joy into the life of others, but it brightens our day as well. There is a certain kind of happiness that comes when you're serving others that you can't find anywhere else. 

  One of life's biggest questions is what happens after this? Is this the end? Is it really death do us part? One of the happiest doctrines I think is the fact that we have eternal life. The fact that we can be sealed to our families for all time. Isn't that so great? Stop. Imagine for a minute what your life would be like without that knowledge? What would be missing? Happiness. I know everyday I am thankful for the fact that no matter what happens I will literally always have my family.

  With this gospel is happiness idea I realize that we're still going to have trials, it's a part of the plan. But think about this. What brings us back to being happy after some of the worst experiences a person can have? The gospel. It is through repentance, the atonement, feeling the sweet Spirit, and knowing that our Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ love us that guides back to happiness. Without this gospel it isn't really possible.

   I know that I find happiness in the knowledge that I am not alone and that my Savior knows me and loves him. I am a divine daughter of God. And yes I may grow old alone with my giraffe farm, but He loves me and that's all that matters. So many people don't know that and live their lives thinking that they are utterly alone. How sad. I know that this knowledge has helped me get through so much and can't imagine my life without it. 

  I know that the world is full of people who don't have the gospel and who think that there is nothing wrong with the lives they are living. But if you get them to stop and really think about it they know deep down that something is missing. They tried to fill it with partying, drinking, drugs, too many girls or guys, and all kinds of things but they don't ever really fill it. It is especially obvious to them when they hang around people like us. They see how happy we are with all the little things and they honestly don't understand. To them we are a peculiar people. And that we may be, but we have a kind of happiness, a kind of joy that can't be found anywhere else.

 

For a Sassy Side of Life

http://sassycassie18.blogspot.com/

For all those moments when I don't want to be deep. Or feel. But instead let my sassy, weird, possibly inappropriate side loose on the blogging world. 

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38 days!!!!

Words

    Sometimes we find ourselves saying something to someone without really thinking about it. I know I do. I will just blurt out a random compliment. Afterwards I'm always like what the heck. But after today I really think that is the Spirit working through us to comfort others. We don't ever really know what another person is going through and what they need. But the Spirit does. 
   We really don't know the power of words. The words we say, hear, think. They are what starts things. A feeling, an action. I know that for me today a simple question changed my day for the better. That question let me know that someone cared. They they cared enough to remember to even ask it, to remember that I even told them about it. It truly made me smile and still  makes me happy just thinking about it. It feels good to know that people notice and accept us. I think sometimes I ignore those feelings. I don't reach out and say something to someone because I'm worried they don't want to talk. Really I think they're afraid of the same things. We need to be the brave ones and start it. We need to be sensitive to the Spirit so he can guide us when it comes to who to talk to and what to say. 
  This is the same kind of sweet and tender voice that will talk to us on our missions. It is the voice that will help us find those who are looking for the gospel and it's light in their lives. It's time to practice listening to it now. Time to work on being confident and reaching out others. I know that if she hadn't have asked that I wouldn't have had the day that I had. All that it took was a question to changed my whole day. How many days, lives can you change with a word, a smile? You will never know. But don't let that stop you. Reach out to others look for that opportunity to be the light in someone's darkness. They will be so grateful to you for it, even if you don't ever know. 

Ray Lewis

    Ray Lewis of all people has taught me a lesson. A lesson that I think will be quite valuable to my mission. For those of you who don't know who Ray Lewis is he is a football player. He plays for the Ravens and normally I hate him because he tackles Payten. But the other day he was playing the Patriots for a chance to go to the Super Bowl. This is Ray's last year. So he was super emotional before the game. As much as he is not my favorite I was really moved. I personally love when athletes cry when the national anthem is played. It just makes them seem more real to me. Like they care about our country , puppies, and little orphan children like everybody else does. This incident solidified something I had been thinking about.
   Tears can be good. (I can't believe I just said that) But they can be. Think about it. When you are watching the Olympics and see the Americans win gold and sing the national anthem all together with tears streaming down their faces what do you think? Do you think they're a bunch of pansies who should keep it together? Typically no. You love them for it. I know I do.
   Can't this lesson be applied to us? To the life of a missionary. In high school people didn't like me because they didn't think that I cared, about anyone or anything. When really it was simply that I didn't like to show my emotions to anyone. I thought it made me weak. But I think I have come to learn that only a strong person can cry in front of others. They aren't afraid to show that they truly care and are moved by something. I think that takes courage.
    I have also come to realize that tears and showing emotion can be moving to other people. It can help them to see that you care about what you're saying. That you mean it and it matters to you. Sometimes I think it can even help them to feel similar feelings. On my mission if I tear up while bearing my testimony or attending a service I honestly don't see anyway it could hurt things. It might be exactly what an investigator needs to see. If I block everything up now how am I supposed to let it out in the mission field. I also think there is a fine line between sincere crying and a fake waterfall. I'm not saying we should force ourselves to cry or let ourselves go completely. but rather let our emotions shine through. In our eyes. In our facial expressions. In our actions. You know what I'm talking about. The quiet tears that shine in people's eyes when they talk or gently fall when they're speaking. Nothing that gets in there way just something that emphasizes what they're saying. This is a strength. A quality that I need to work on. 

Life's about the trials

  Sometimes my job is a little rough. Don't get me wrong I enjoy it. Like today, today was a great day at work. I think part of the reason it is so hard (like yesterday) is because I really care about those kids. It is a tad bit frustrating when you work so hard to help them and get them to be better and they don't understand. You just see so much potential in them and wish they could see it for themselves. These feelings created at work sometimes lead to worse feelings. Let's just say occasionally (it's only happened once) I have a work induced psychotic break down. Yesterday was one of those days. 
   Work will just get me in this state of emotional upheaval and exhaustion. Which unfortunately leaves me vulnerable to all kinds of things that normally wouldn't matter, but instead push me over the edge. Yesterday there was a certain topic or idea that was especially getting to me. I had this feeling that caring about people sucks. 
    I care about people. I will go out of my way to make everyone happy. Do whatever I can to make people feel included. Nothing hurts me more or makes me more upset than when someone feels left out or doesn't like me. Silly I know. People liking me really shouldn't matter. But it kills me all the same. I couldn't get over it yesterday. Or how you can give so much of yourself to someone to try and help them, but they can't ever seem to do anything for you when you need it. I was quite upset to be honest. (No I didn't cry) But I was just tired and angry. When I remembered the wise words of a friend...pray.
    So pray I did. And the Spirit told me to read my scriptures. I was a little doubtful at first. I didn't think I was in the best mood to read the scriptures, but gotta listen to those promptings. So read I did. I didn't find anything in the scriptures to help with my situation, but I was in a better state of mind and was open to the Spirit. I then felt prompted to read this magnificent book "Why I'm a Mormon." While reading I found a thought that really helped me. 
  In the story I had turned to the main character was feeling sorry for himself and felt prompted to read D&C 122:8. While reading that verse this phrase struck him, "The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?"
   I decided to apply this phrase to my situation. Think about this. The Savior has suffered everything, has felt every sadness. The pain He went through is unimaginable. Do I really have anything to complain about? Even more than that think of all He has done for us. I may do a lot for people, but the Savior gave the ultimate gift...His life. He literally gave all that He had for us. So that one day we can live with him again. Think about how many people reject that gift on a daily basis. People who know better. I really don't have any room to complain. If the Savior can literally give His all, then I can give what little I have to give without complaint. The Savior doesn't ever get mad at our lack of appreciation and take it all away. Instead He loves us anyway. He may temporarily move on and help another, but He never forgets us. I can follow His example and do the same. I can be grateful for His sacrifice and everyday try and show how thankful I am by reaching out to others. 

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44 days!!!!

I'll go inside someday.

  I went in the temple yesterday!!! AH!! It was pretty great. Words of advice when you are going through try and be spiritual the whole day. It really helps you be in a better place for when you go in the temple. It really was fantastic.   The experience is going to be different for everyone. For me it wasn't really overwhelmingly spiritual. I felt the spirit but not in the super strong way that some people describe. For me it was more of feeling His love. All of the ordinances in the temple really do come from the love of our Heavenly Father for us. He is providing so many different ways for us to be able to return to live with him, and be with our families for eternity. 
  For me the most fantastic part was the feeling of knowing that because of what was happening that day I can know return to the celestial kingdom. And there really is nothing like looking around and seeing your family and friends all around you. The temple workers are also great. You have a little temple worker who stays right by you the whole time. They're pretty great and so sweet! And sometimes they will disappear for a moment and the whole temple is looking out for you. It's great. You can see just how the church tries to take care of each other. People you don't know and will probably never see again will go out of their way to help you feel comfortable and loved. 
  So there was a slight problem with my wonderful day. I loved it and felt great, but I didn't really feel the spirit in such a wonderful way that some people describe after they've gone through the temple. I was slightly worried about this. I had tried so hard to get for the right spirit and frame of mind for the temple. I couldn't help but feel like I was doing something wrong. Then today in sunday school something was said that helped me a lot. We were talking about the Sacred Grove and he was sharing how when he went he enjoyed it, but didn't feel anything glorious. He went on to say that it was because he had a testimony of the Sacred Grove and Joseph Smith before he ever got to the Sacred Grove. I think that works for me. I have always had a strong testimony of the temple. It is always something that I've had a testimony about and something I knew I needed in my life. The temple has always been a symbol of the church and a place where I could feel closer to the Lord and leave the world behind. Before I went into the temple I had a testimony of the truthfulness and power of it. I knew that no matter what happened inside it was true. It was sacred and that it was the things of the Lord. Even thought I wasn't overcome by the spirit it was a great day. It was truly one of the best days of my life and something I will always remember and hold on too when time gets rough. 

It's not all about being a missionary

   Deep thought! It has been awhile since I've had one. Actually that's a lie I'm just normally too busy and too tired to share them with the internet. Lucky for you! I'm sick so I have been doing nothing all day and sleeping way too much! Thus I am wide awake and full of deep thoughts that must be released. 
   I am currently taking temple prep from a couple in my ward and I really enjoy it. At first I wasn't sure it would be that great, but I have learned a lot in that class. I'm getting quite spiritual and junk, which is good I have a mission to go on. But there is one thing in particular I learned at my last temple prep class that really stuck out to me. We were talking and somehow got on the topic of missionary farewells. And my teacher told me something that I'd never heard before. The reason farewells were removed was because the church felt like farewells put too much focus on the mission and not enough on the temple. After all we are going to the temple for the first time and the last time for ourselves. I had never really thought about it this way before. But once he said that it hit me just how great it really is. I'm going to the temple! My whole life I have been taught to get ready for the day when I could enter the temple and make sacred covenants with the Lord. And that day is finally coming. 
  I should be as excited for the temple as I am for my mission. The temple is a beautiful place where life saving ordinances are performed. Without those ordinances there is no way for us to return to our Heavenly Father. Because of that and many other blessings that come from going to the temple it is something that deserves more of our attention. I know I don't always put as much emphasis on it as I should. The temple is amazing. And the day when we can enter it and do the work for ourselves truly is one of the highlights of your life on this earth. Look forward to this day. Prepare for this day and live your life in a way so that you are always worthy to enter the temple.