Merry Christmas everyone! It really is a great holiday and a great time of year. There isn't anything like being home for the holidays and being close to your family. I am so blessed to be able to be home with my family for the holidays. Something that I've been taking for granted lately. Today while feeling the Christmas spirit and sitting back and taking in just how great my family is I have realized a lot.
This whole mission is not about me. I have always known that to some degree. I knew that it wasn't about my happiness or where I wanted to go, but that it is all about the Savior. It is about spreading His work and His gospel. But I have realized today that that's not it. This isn't just going to affect me, my decision to go. It isn't just going to be hard for me. I think I often sit back and think of how hard it is on me without thinking about those around me. I often think oh I will miss this and I miss my friends, but what about my family?
This is going to be hard for them too. Satan isn't just pushing me and trying to pull me down he is working on them as well. I'm not just going to miss my brothers games they will miss me being there. I know I'm not dying, but it will be hard not to have me home for the holidays and just for random weekends.
It is time for me to realize that this isn't just my burden or my journey. This affects the people I love too. It is time for me to stop being selfish and sulking because I miss school and the crazy things we did. I can miss school, but I need to show my family that I care. I need to cherish this time I have home with them because really it will never be like this again. It is time to stop focusing on the negatives of being stuck in a small town and focus on all of my blessings and the wonderful family that I have. They love me and I love them so much, now I need to show it.
I also need to be more sensitive to them. Sometimes when they make a comment about me leaving I don't react the best. I just think that I'm not dying so I don't understand why it is a big deal. The thing is, is that it kind of is. I have a very tight family, we do everything together. Even when at school I talked to my parents every day. And now all of the sudden that isn't going to happen anymore. I may not be dying, but it is time to be more sensitive to their needs.
I have also realized lately that it might not be a bad thing to feel. I hate feelings I hate them. Even more than feelings I hate expressing them or showing others that I have them. I think this is something that I should work on. Maybe not all the time I'm not saying I need to turn into a cry baby or anything. But I have noticed that if you show someone you care or are moved even if that means shedding a couple tears they are grateful. They don't make fun of you and if they do they don't really matter. But I know that by refusing to feel it hurts people sometimes and that isn't what I want. Sometimes when words can't express how you feel nothing gets your message across better than emotions or the look on your face. Maybe it's time to let these walls down and let people know how much they matter.
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