Letting Go

    This pre-mission thing is pretty tricky. Just when I'm starting to think that I have a handle on the whole thing something will pop up that makes me a tid bit nervous. This weekend I journeyed to the homeland to take care of those dental papers. I've come home before and I've known for a long time that I was going to go on a mission, but there was something different this time. I new feeling was seeping into my heart and my mind tainting everything I did. It was sadness, no not sadness it was bittersweet. A bittersweet feeling. I still want to go on a mission and I know that it is something that I need to do. I also know that it will bless me in a way I can't even imagine, and not just me, but my future and current family as well. With all of this knowledge what was going on? What is this feeling tugging at my heart? 
   I have been coming home quite a bit lately to take care of this mission thing and even when I'm not home I keep in contact with my family. I talk to them every night, but things are still changing. I was at school for a whole year last year and I didn't feel the way I do now. Last year I felt like I was still apart of everything, a part of my little brothers lives. Those things are starting to slip through my fingers now. Kyle just turned twelve. I missed him getting the priesthood, passing the sacrament for the first time, and his first time going to the temple. I don't know why this hurts, but it does. My whole life I've tried my best to stay involved in both of my brothers lives. To be there for the plays, the choir concerts, the talks, the football games, just everything I know is important to them. I still try even know when I live two and a half hours away, but it's getting harder. 
    When I came home before I felt like I just slipped back into my old place. After a few minutes of how are you and what have you been up to it's like I never left. It isn't that simple anymore. My parents try I try, but I can see my brothers pulling back. The fact that I'm leaving and will be gone for 18 months looms everywhere. In my empty bedroom, abandoned closet and even in their faces. They know that I'm leaving and it's happening for real. I knew this would happen. We're a close family of course it's going to be hard, but I can't help but feel guilty. What am I doing to them? To my dad, my mom? To Kyle who cries and I haven't even left yet? What if things aren't the same when I get home. I will be missing Cade's whole senior year. He will probably be out on a mission when I get home. It may seem weird, but the part the sums up the whole thing for me is our dog. Cruz is only 8 months old and I know when I get home he will have no idea who I am. What if Kyle's and CAde's memory of me is as easily tainted or lost?
     I guess honestly I'm just afraid. I am so  blessed to have all that I have. To have the family I do. But as much as I'm afraid there is a simple solution to wash away those fears. This gospel. Families are forever. No matter where I go or for how long I will have them for eternity. These bonds and relationships that I have with them now aren't going to fade away.  Because of the blessings of the temple I am sealed to them for time and all eternity. That simple thought wipes away all fears I have. The Lord will bless me and take care of them while I'm away. It also helps to remember that for those 18 months I will leave my family to serve others and try and seal them to their families. I will leave mine for 18 months so others can be with their families for eternity. How great is that? 
     Missions are hard. If it seems hard now it is just going to get harder, but you don't have to fight along. You have family members, friends, church leaders, and most importantly our Savior. They will all help you all you need to do is ask. It is also important to remember that Satan hates this Church. He will stop at nothing to destroy it and you. One of his most effective ways of getting to us is through self-doubt. Isn't fear just a form of that? I think so. Satan is going to try all kinds of ways to get you to change your mind. He knows us. He was our brother. He knows the right buttons to push. Remember that. He knows what will get to us and he will use that against us. Even more important to remember is the fact that our Savior not only knows us, but loves us. He will comfort us and help us as we strive to do what is right. Hold on to the rod, stay on the straight and narrow. It will all work out in the end.